Another introduction...

...to another sweet baby boy!

It has been so long since I blogged, that I wrote nothing during the time I was pregnant this time. But, for my memory's sake, I wanted to at least record the birth story.

Judah Mark Jarrard made his debut on May 18th at 3:50 p.m. and weighed in at 10 lbs. 3 oz. and was 22" long! I still can't believe I gave birth to a 10 pound baby!

Like his brother, Judah was taking his sweet time coming into the world, so as I approached 41 weeks, my doctor had us make a game plan. So we decided to get the induction on the calendar. I think she would have let me do the non-stress test again at 41 weeks and plan from there, but I honestly was so done with being pregnant by the end of this one! I was so sore and swollen that I was ready for baby to be out! I measured ahead consistently throughout this pregnancy and had a second ultrasound at 36 weeks that already was estimating baby's weight to be 7.1 lbs, so I was surprised she let me even go a whole week past my due date. I was hoping to be further dilated since I started having contractions a few weeks before delivery, but I was only around 2-3 cm.

Again, my mom came out on my due date (May 10th) and stayed for two weeks. We knew better this time that there was a good chance baby would not come by then! We had a great time, and it was nice having her here during those last uncomfortable days. She was so helpful with Silas and helped me stay on top of cleaning and laundry. Silas loved his play time with Grandma!

Monday was a very early morning as we needed to be at the hospital at 6:30 to get checked in and up to the labor & delivery room. When I got up I used the restroom and felt a a small gush of fluid. I was pretty sure my water broke, but wasn't 100% positive since it was different than when my OB broke my water the first time. I put a pad on just in case but didn't feel any leaking on my way to the hospital.  I had my IV in and fluids and pitocin started by 7:00 and things progressed steadily from there. They started me on the lowest dose of pitocin and as my contractions became more consistent and a little stronger, I started feeling fluid with each one. Dr. Munns came to check on me around 8:30 and I was dilated 3.5/4 cm, and suggested I get the epidural within the half hour because she had a feeling I was going to progress fairly quickly and start having some harder contractions. And was she right! by 9:00 I was ready for the epidural. From there on out, I dilated about a centimeter per hour. At one point I asked if they could just turn off the pitocin haha! At the very end we were waiting on one little edge of my cervix to move so that I could start pushing. The nurse had me lay on my side and within 15 minutes I knew we were about to have a baby! I literally felt him drop and had the strongest urge to push. I was shaking from the intensity! By the time Dr. Munns got called over, I was sure one of the nurses was going to have to catch the baby haha! But, she made it in the nick of time, and we finally found out we had another son! My mom cut the cord and we found out just how big he was!

I loved this labor and delivery (as much as you can love it lol). It went so smoothly and so much quicker, and I actually remember the day so much better. I remember about a half hour before I had him, the nurse checked me, and realizing how close we were, I started crying. It hit me that this was really happening and I was about to have another baby. So many emotions came over me in that moment. They were tears of joy though! Mark had ran out to use the restroom quick since it was almost go-time, so he was so confused when he came back and me, mom, and Cindy were all in tears! ;)

Mark, as usual, was incredible. So patient, attentive, and encouraging. It was also an honor to have my mom there again, and I couldn't believe she actually cut the cord! It was also such a blessing that the timing worked out for Cindy Brown to be there and take photos for us throughout Judah's birth day! God worked this day out so perfectly, and I am so grateful for such an incredible experience, and for a healthy baby. d

almost 5...

This baby boy is almost 5 months old! Next weekend, actually. It is so fun to watch him grow and discover new things, but also a little sad to see him already growing so quickly. Time is flying by, and I'm trying to cherish every moment of his babyhood.

He is such a happy little guy. Lots of smiles that melt my heart. He does quite a bit of "chatting" and loves to blow bubbles. He chews on his hands constantly (teething is a comin'), and has discovered the fascination of his feet. He also wants to stand/jump all the time! Mark bought an exersaucer/bouncer last weekend, and Silas is absolutely loving it! He still leans forward or back since he's not sitting up yet, but he will stand straight up every once in a while. And those little legs are getting strong! It's a lot of fun watching him get so excited.

He rolls over really well from his belly to his back, which is becoming a challenge at nap and bed time since he likes to sleep on his tummy. But it's really fun to see him roll over and look up at me with the biggest smile all proud of himself.

Becoming a parent was probably the most life-changing moment of my life, but I can't imagine life without him now. Parenthood has already challenged and stretched me in just 5 short months, but I hope I am becoming a better wife and mother out of all the things I experience and learn along the way.

Father's day

As I sit here listening to the sweet sounds Silas is making in his sleep, I keep thinking about how grateful I am for the father he has. I am grateful I can celebrate the man my little boy will look up to. I always knew Mark would be a wonderful dad, but to witness how he loves our baby makes me love him more than I already did.

Yesterday marked 25 years that I have been adopted, and as I think of my dad today, again I am grateful. Grateful for the man that became the living example of what it meant to be loved and cared for. Grateful for all the ways he is still here for me and my little family.

Most of all, I am grateful for all the men that God chose to place in my life that He knew would model His love to me.

The first 3...

...months, that is.

I keep hearing that time passes so quickly when you have children, and it's true. Well, not time itself, but all the moments within time that happen.

Silas will be 14 weeks old tomorrow, and I'm not sure how the first 3.5 months have come and gone already.

I have learned a lot in these past few months. Becoming a parent is amazing, but it is also life-changing, and sometimes really hard.

Carrying life inside of my body is an incredible feeling. No, not super comfortable those last couple of months, but I loved feeling and seeing him move.

Then, it was time to deliver. I knew it would be hard work, but there was no way to fathom just how hard when I had nothing to compare it to. Although it was a long, tiring labor and delivery, it made me feel like I could do anything. I am amazed by what my body can do! It is exhilarating!

The next two weeks felt kind of like a blur. I was sore, exhausted, hormonal, and now had a newborn to nurse every few hours around the clock. I like to think that the second time around will be different in the sense that I will have time to mentally prepare myself for how I will feel physically and mentally haha.
I think these weeks were the hardest for me. I was so incredibly happy, thankful, and bursting with love for this tiny baby boy that many times I would be crying tears of joy while rocking him. But on the other hand, it also hit me like a ton of bricks that my life was truly altered forever. It wasn't just me and Mark anymore, and I couldn't just do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. I know the extreme tiredness, figuring out breastfeeding, and hormonal changes happening during that time had to do with my emotional roller coaster. Thankfully, things eventually level out haha.

Speaking of breastfeeding, this is also another component that can be difficult. I had so many moments of frustration and feeling like I was failing my child. It's not always as "natural" of a thing as it is often times made out to be. It takes work. A LOT of work. And in the case of me and Silas, we didn't make it as long as I was hoping. There are probably a lot of things I could have done to try and help him get better at nursing, but for my sanity I can't keep dwelling on that. I've made peace with our situation, and am glad that he is healthy and happy.

So, yeah, having a baby and becoming a parent is hard. And I feel like moms need, and should feel free, to be honest with how they are feeling and dealing with all the changes that happen the instant that baby is placed in your arms.

I also can honestly tell you that despite the challenges, there is so much good. Like, a ridiculous amount of good.
I could have never fathomed how much love I would have for this little guy. I already loved him when he was in my womb, but holding him and looking into his eyes has done something entirely different to my heart.
Sweet baby breath. Don't knock it until you experience it. It's the best. I savor every scent, every little noise he makes.
And now he's full on "talking." I love his smiles and coos and laughs. The way he smiles up at me when I pick him up after a nap. Or his happy coos when I sing to him. Melts me every time.
The way he stares into my eyes when I'm feeding him.
Watching him discover new things. First it was his voice, then it was his hands, now this week it's his feet. In the past week or two he's figured out that his hands and fingers open and close and that he can grab at his toys. He's also wanting to sit up more, which really means he tries to launch himself forward when I have him on my lap or propped up on the couch. And then he falls forward or over and it's hilarious. Mostly because he finds it funny.
His little tongue sticking out and him blowing bubbles and making noises with his mouth.
The snuggles. Even though he's getting bigger and wanting to move, he is still a snuggler and I hope he never stops.

The tiredness will never fully go away. There will always be hard moments. But, I also know that we have been given such a sweet blessing, and the good, happy moments will continue to be in the forefront.

Introducing...

...our sweet baby boy!

Ok, so this isn't really news. I started this a month ago and never got it finished. But, for my memory's sake, I still want to write about his birth.

Silas Henry Jarrard made his appearance on Wednesday, February 19th at 4:40 a.m., weighed in at a whopping 8 lbs. 14 oz. and measured 21 inches long.

Backing up a bit, my mom flew out on Feb. 9, which was the day before my due date. Obviously we knew there was a good chance I wouldn't go right on my due date, but we were hopeful it'd be within a few days since I had been slowly progressing over the previous few weeks.
I must say, we had the best time together while she was here! My maternity leave started on my due date, so I was off the whole time she was here. We walked every day at the YMCA or the mall, went shopping, ran errands, went out for lunch a couple times, went to Mocha Moment for coffee & muffins, and just enjoyed being together for a whole week. She also helped me stay caught up on laundry and cleaning which was so helpful!

Well, that whole week went by and no baby! On Monday (41 weeks) I went in for a non-stress test, and the baby was doing great. I was even having some contractions! I saw my OBGYN after the test and we started talking induction. Even though it wasn't the way I wanted to go, we needed to have a plan before I hit 42 weeks. So, she called over to Labor & Delivery and they had a spot open for the very next morning! I was so torn about what to do, but she told me I could schedule it and cancel by the end of the day if I wanted to wait until a little later in the week. So I scheduled it for Tuesday, partly because my doctor would be there (and also was on call Tuesday night), and partly because my parents would be leaving on Thursday. My dad was going to drive in on Tuesday, and he and my mom would be leaving on Thursday. I didn't really want to be having the baby when they were driving back to Ohio! We all thought I'd be back at the hospital on my own Monday night, and I did start having more contractions, but they were mild and not consistently time-able.

Monday night was such a mix of emotions. On one hand, it was exciting to know I'd finally be having this baby and find out if it was a boy or a girl. On the other hand it was that scary moment of realizing I was about to experience birthing a baby for the first time, and that our lives were never going to be the same!

I had to be at the hospital at 7 a.m. to check in, so it was an early morning so that I had enough time to shower and eat a light breakfast.

By 8:00, we were all settled in my L&D room, and the Pitocin was started. Around 8:30 my doctor came in to make sure things were started, and to break my water. From there, times became a blur. Mark could probably remember around what time things were happening; I just remember a general progression. I was able to deal with the contractions for quite a while, but eventually they become more painful, and the Pitocin is set to make you have them every 2-3 minutes. I was only about 3-4 cm dilated at that point and knew I didn't want an epidural yet, but wasn't sure how long I'd make it without any relief. I eventually got a pain medication called Stadol to help take the edge off. It makes you feel drunk at first, but it was so nice to just close my eyes and be able to get a little sleep. I'd wake up just enough to breathe through some of the stronger contractions, but was at least able to rest in between.

By the time I was at 6 cm (however many hours later that was), the pain med had worn off and I was ready for the epidural. I only had 4 more centimeters to go, so it wouldn't take too much longer, right? So, the anesthesiologist got it placed after having to move it twice; the first time was too far to the left, the second time he hit a nerve that put my lower back in excruciating pain. So we were finally in business and I was feeling great! Haha. I could still feel the pressure/tightening in my belly when I was having a contraction, but was having no pain.

I got stuck at 6 cm for quite a while, finally progressed, then got stuck at 8 cm for what felt like forever. This was the hard part because I was feeling the urge to push, but wasn't allowed! By this time I could also feel the contractions more, so I was having to really concentrate on breathing and not letting my body push. At one point they put in an internal sensor to make sure I was having true contractions. I think they were getting nervous that I would go too long and not make any more progress.

Pretty much as soon as I hit 10 cm the nurses really worked to help make it as good of a delivery as possible. I pushed for about 2.5 hours and finally got to find out we had ourselves a son! I got to feel his head (lots of hair!) as he was coming out and it was amazing! And a huge motivator to keep going! He came out crying a good, loud cry, and I just remember feeling so much relief, love, and joy all at the same time.

Mark was so amazing and encouraging throughout the whole process, and I honestly couldn't have made it without him! He seriously talked me through the hardest parts, let me hold/squeeze his hand, and held my head while I pushed.

I am so incredibly grateful that my mom also got to be a part of this experience as well. She doesn't do well with blood and seeing people she loves in pain, so she had stepped out with my dad when it was time for me to start pushing. Thankfully, she ended up talking to someone out in the waiting room that helped change her mind and she came back in. I love that she got to be there with me.

I am also so glad that our friend Jacey offered to take pictures at the last minute, otherwise we wouldn't have any pictures from during the delivery. I am so, so happy we have those photos!

And I am so very happy to have a healthy baby boy that finally decided to grace us with his presence almost 21 hours (and the day after we thought we'd have him) after we started the whole process!

39

I can't believe I'm 39 weeks pregnant today! Only one week from my due date, and it could be any time now. I'm really hoping I don't go to 41 or 42 weeks, but I'm mentally prepared that it could definitely happen. I have my OB appointment tomorrow morning, and I'm anxious to see if I've made any more progress. Weeks 36 and 37 I was dilated 0.5 cm and 50% effaced, and at 38 weeks 1 cm and 50% effaced. With all the pressure I've been feeling the past few days, I'm hoping for at least another centimeter and a little more effacement!

Baby's size: about 7 pounds and 20 inches, or about the size of a mini watermelon.
Cravings: Veggies, sweets, milk, cereal. Pretty much the same for quite a while now, but I'm also eating more fruits again the past few weeks.
Maternity clothes: Still a mix of my regular clothes and maternity clothes. I did finally get a big hole in my maternity jeans on Saturday. I noticed a small spot that was worn pretty thin, and it happened. :( I was hoping to make it with that one pair to the end, and possibly have them for the next time, but oh well. I guess lesson learned that I should have a couple pair to rotate.
Movement: lots of movement, but way less room! Baby really likes to kick into my ribs on my right side, which I don't love, but I do love seeing my whole belly move, or feeling the outline of a limb that pushing out. Totally weird, but so cool!
Best moment this week: Well, it's been another 5 weeks, so I have a few things again. ;) Mark booked a pregnancy massage for me a few weeks ago and it was heavenly! Then, this past week, he let me get a pedicure. It felt so good having those moments of pampering as I get more achy and uncomfortable. He has also given me some foot/shoulder rubs on his own accord, which make me feel loved and spoiled. We also got a glider and book shelf for the nursery, so everything is set up. I love just looking into the room, and can't wait to sit in there and rock our baby!
What I miss: bending over easily and being able to get in and out of bed easily. Had this one down from last time, and it's even more difficult now. Putting my socks and shoes on is quite the feat these days!
What I am looking forward to: enjoying these last few days and/or weeks as a family of two, but also so looking forward to finally meeting our sweet babe and finding out if it's a he or a she!

34

Well, I let this go a little longer than I wanted to. I can hardly believe I'm halfway through week 34, and that this baby will be here before we know it!

I thoroughly enjoyed our Christmas vacation in Ohio with my side of the family. The bonus was that my mom planned my baby shower for the weekend after Christmas, so we got to see Mark's parents and some other family on his side as well. I feel like we were so spoiled! This was baby shower number two, so I got pretty much everything we'll need starting out. We have been incredibly blessed!

Baby's size: about 4 3/4 pounds, or the size of a cantaloupe, and about 18 inches long
Cravings: Veggies, sweets, milk, cereal
Maternity clothes: a mix of my regular clothes and maternity clothes. Some of my shirts are definitely too short now. I also scored a pretty maternity coat that gives me enough room to grow, and I will still be able to button it. ;)
Movement: lots of movement still, which is reassuring. I feel like baby is extra squirmy in the evenings when I start winding down.
Best moment this week: Well, we'll say over the past 6 weeks, since I haven't updated. Getting to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas in Ohio (although Thanksgiving wasn't planned), having two baby showers to celebrate this little one, and a great 34 week appointment! :)
What I miss: bending over easily and being able to get in and out of bed easily.
What I am looking forward to: getting everything put away in the nursery now that I got everything washed and folded. It's gettin' real up in here!

28

We've made it to the third trimester! My appointment with the doctor went well. I've gained 16 pounds so far and am measuring 29 cm which is good. Baby's heartbeat was 142 which has been pretty consistent each visit.

Baby's size: about 2 1/4 pounds, or the size of a large eggplant, and about 13.6-14.8 inches long
Cravings: Salads, sweets, milk
Maternity clothes: same as before, but noticing certain shirts are getting a little shorter in the front haha.
Movement: lots of movement throughout the day, which I love! I love when Mark can feel the baby too. :)
Best moment this week: Having another good appointment, and reading this. I pray I keep this perspective throughout marriage and parenting, and model/teach my children the importance of this type of love.
What I miss: bending over easily lol
What I am looking forward to: hopefully not getting backaches so frequently once this kid is on the outside! ;)

end of the second...

trimester, that is. Can't believe I'm 27 weeks already. Pregnancy is a strange thing in that it goes so slowly and so quickly at the same time. Feels like I've been pregnant forever, but how am so close to having this kid already?!

So, just a few things...

Baby's size: 13.5-14.5 inches or 1.5-2.5 pounds. The comparison was to a rutabaga...which is a type of turnip. I wish I knew how they came up with these things. ;)
Cravings: vegetables and sweets (mostly chocolate)
Maternity clothes: I did break down and buy maternity jeans shortly after my 20 week post. It was the best idea ever. Jeans with a stretchy belly band and no buttons are a win! Otherwise I am able to wear regular shirts if they are long enough, although I do have a few maternity shirts.
Movement: Lots! It really started a couple weeks ago that I was able to feel some movement from the outside, and it's happening more often. It's a weird but amazing feeling!
Best moment this week: Well since I haven't updated for seven weeks, there is more than one. Hearing my doctor say that the ultrasound looked good. When Mark got to feel the baby kick while we were on vacation in Boston. Vacation in Boston! Eating yummy mussels and lobster roll. The morning last week that the baby was moving like crazy for a few hours (I think I ate a turnover for breakfast lol). Finally finishing the paint in the nursery! I'm sure there are more, but that's all I can remember at the moment.
What I miss: Sushi. I've had sushi, but obviously eat the stuff that has cooked seafood. I miss being able to eat whatever kinds I want. It's not a big deal, but that's something I get really hungry for every few weeks.
I also miss bending over easily...and it's only going to get worse!
What I am looking forward to: being in the third trimester next week! Can't believe we are already so close to the end! I also have my 28 week appointment which is always exciting. I feel like they are "milestone markers" in a way.

half

It's official...I've hit the halfway mark! I am 20 weeks today and can hardly believe that this baby is half cooked!

Some things about week 20:

Baby's size: 6.5 inches (10 inches from head to heel), or the size of a banana

Cravings: It's more like, "wow, I can eat almost anything again!" So happy that I have a lot more variety in my diet now. 

Maternity clothes: not yet, but I may have to break down and buy some maternity jeans soon.

Movement: flutters/rolling-type feelings more often. The ultrasound tech said that it may be taking longer to feel more since the placenta is anterior (sitting at the front of my belly) and baby has more to push through. 

Best moment this week: the "big" ultrasound! Even though we didn't find out the sex, it was amazing to see all the limbs, organs, heartbeat, and movement now that baby has grown even more. There was even some thumb sucking going on.

What I miss: Being able to button my jeans. And not having to get up during the night to pee.

What I am looking forward to: my 20 week appointment on Tuesday so I can hear from my OB about the official reading of the ultrasound. Also, getting the nursery done...gotta get on that! 

week 19

I'm almost at the halfway mark, which seems crazy! 

Here's the rundown:

Baby's size: about 6 inches long, or the size of a mango
Cravings: the same as before. Not "cravings" so much as things that I don't have an aversion to.
Maternity clothes: not yet, but I am drawn to anything stretchy/comfy! I'm still able to wear my regular jeans, but have been using an elastic hair tie at the button. Otherwise, it's digging into my stomach when I sit, and the waist feels a little too snug.
Movement: still nothing consistent, but little flutters here and there, and sometimes I'll feel a bit of pressure against an area of my stomach where the baby must be pressing into.
Best moment this week: actually being pretty sure I felt the baby move, and also for a couple of really good days this weekend that I felt really well and could eat more!
What I miss: Enjoying a large variety of foods.
What I am looking forward to: Our ultrasound at the end of the week! I can't wait to see our baby again now that he or she is bigger. 

On pregnancy

I am so incredibly grateful that we have been blessed with this baby growing inside of me. It's still so hard to wrap my head around the fact that something so miraculous is happening within my body.

I still worry (what mom doesn't), but I know it's not up to me.
It was a daily battle for me even before this pregnancy. Would I be able to get pregnant again? Would it take a long time? Would I be someone who has multiple miscarriages like others I had read about? All of these normal thoughts, I think, but I had to learn to not let them consume me.
Only God knows what will happen with this little one from the time he or she came into existence, and only He knows his or her future.

I am grateful for the now. I am grateful for every doctor appointment that lets us know things are okay at this moment. I am grateful for my slowly growing belly that tells me this little one is also growing.

With all that being said; do I love pregnancy? If I am completely honest, the answer is 'no.' Do I love that I'm pregnant? Yes. It's a strange thing, but it's true. I think because I still feel sick a lot is to blame, but I do love that I'm pregnant and that God has given us this amazing blessing.

Week: 17
Baby's size: about 5 inches, or the size of an onion or turnip
Cravings: Fruit, anything sour/tart (green olives, dill pickles, etc.), tomatoes with salt
Maternity Clothes: Not yet, but my jeans are getting a little tighter on my belly.
Movement: Nothing positive yet. I've felt a few quivers that could be, but still too early to tell for sure.
Best moment this week? Hearing baby's heartbeat at my 16 week appointment!
What I miss: Feeling good, energy
What I am looking forward to: Getting the nursery ready :)

Lingering thoughts

Well, I think it's about time to take another crack at this blogging thing. Even after my last post I was still dealing with grief, although it looked much different than the first few weeks after the miscarriage. I was actually surprised at how easily I could talk about it, and it ended up being very helpful in the healing process. 
It will always be something that stays with me, and through that difficult experience, I hope it has made me a better person. More compassionate, empathetic, and able to truly hear others when they speak. Everyone has a story, something in their lives that not everybody else knows or can relate to. I hope I can be someone that doesn't need to know, but can still be a friend, or even just a kind smile to a stranger. We can't know each person's story, but we can be the one person who shows genuine kindness.

I think some of these thoughts stem from observations I've had when dealing with loss. I've been on the side of giving condolences, and also on the receiving side. It's always difficult finding the right words, even after losing a loved one and knowing what gave you comfort and what made you want to smack someone. I've found it can be especially brutal when dealing with miscarriage, because unless you have experienced it, you don't really "get it." It's much different than dealing with a tangible death, in which you have a body to bury and actually knew the person in real life. I noticed that it's more difficult for people when something doesn't feel real yet, or didn't even know about it (if it wasn't yet common knowledge). So, I guess my point is, if you don't know what to say, whether it's a death of someone you knew well or a baby you didn't know about, just hug the grieving person, say "I'm so sorry," and then be a good friend by being around later when the dust has settled and reality smacks them in the face. Be the kindness and listening ears when they need it, even if you don't really know (or can't relate to) their story.

Blessings

Feeling so blessed today.

I'm thankful:

For the wonderful man I get to call my husband, who loves me, encourages me to grow, and knows how to really have fun and make me laugh.

For the amazing women walking alongside me in this journey of life.

For my family who, although may be far, are so close to my heart.

For my church and church family.

For meeting neighbors. 

For sweet pups playing together in the backyard. 

For half priced frappuccinos and a Starbucks gift card.

For the God that loves me even though I fall short in so many ways.

I am most definitely blessed. 

messy {part 2}

This wasn't actually meant to be part 2, but that's just how life happened since part 1.

It's amazing how attached you become to someone in just a week's time. Someone you can't see, or touch, or feel. Someone you've been waiting for your entire life.

And then scientific evidence informs you that it wasn't meant to be in this life.

We are sad and heartbroken. But, we also have hope. Life is messy sometimes, and we aren't entitled or promised that it will be easy. We have a choice to make, and I am choosing to draw closer to God, to my husband, my family, and our friends who support us and love us and pray for us throughout this life.

God is sovereign, and He loves us.

I will cling to Him and submit to His will.

I will wait for heaven.

*********************************************************************************

I wrote this back in March. I was still hurting and raw. I still feel the hurt sometimes, but it's different now. It's something I can talk about. We didn't tell many people, because we only knew I was pregnant for about a week and a half before my Hcg levels started dropping. I didn't want to rehash everything a million times to everyone when my heart felt so broken. I still question sharing this publicly because I don't want people to feel like they have to say something to make me feel better about the situation. I've also found, that for me, it's easier to talk about something of this magnitude after the most intense pain has subsided.

What surprised me most were the moments the couple weeks following the miscarriage when something would be said, or a worship song was sung, that would knock the wind out of me. It was anguish, the emptiness of my womb, but also a clinging to the constant, merciful, loving God who holds, heals, and comforts.

He has also been teaching me. Not just that I need him, but that I need to submit to him fully. This isn't my story. He is using me to tell his story. I realized I had a choice to make. I could be angry and let that consume me and make me unhappy/bitter, or I could be sad and hurt, but still find joy and hope in the Lord because he is sovereign and loves me. I chose the latter, because I don't even deserve his love, but yet that is what he gives me unconditionally.

messy {part 1}.

Life is messy. 

I've been thinking a lot about this the past couple of weeks. Whether we like it or not, it's going to get messy at times. Maybe not in what some would consider a huge way, but in a way that is still life-altering. 

How do I handle these situations when they arise? Can I grieve and show grace simultaneously? 

The two most recent events of life getting a little messy come to mind, and this is the first:

A little over a year ago Mark and I uprooted our life in Pennsylvania. I was in a strange spot during that time. I had just graduated from college, was in the process of taking the national board exams to become a legit RT, and Mark was being called for potential job opportunities. We were both being open to the idea because we both knew for some time that it was a possibility for our future. So, as this possibility became reality, I knew it'd be difficult and messy. We would have to prep and sell our house in a terrible market, leave dear friends, a youth group we loved, and start over in a new place. 

Being the ones to leave is a strange experience. I admit that, emotionally, I shut down. It was all happening so fast and only our closest friends knew that it might happen. It just didn't seem like it was really happening. I prayed for clarity; that we would know if and where we were supposed to go, and that we would make the right decision. I honestly didn't feel that clarity until after we moved. I literally had to trust God in the unknown and trust my husband's decision.

That being said, one of the most important things I learned was submission. I was learning again how to submit to God, and trust that he would take care of us and provide for us. But I think the more important thing He taught me was true submission in my marriage. From the time we moved, I have been continually learning what it means to be submissive in the most Biblical sense, and it has been incredibly freeing. 

To know that my husband is striving to love me as Christ loves the church is amazing! God has called husbands to the more challenging role laid out in Ephesians 5, so I am learning that it is much easier to respect my husband and submit to his leadership. This does not mean that I don't have an opinion or that he does not include me in decisions. This doesn't mean I don't get to make decisions. This means that I don't have the burden of being the head of our household, because it's not something I want or was called to be. Whew.

To answer the questions I posed above, I think I handled the situation as graciously as I knew how to at the time. It was so hard telling our friends, church, and the kids in our youth group that we were leaving so quickly, but the grace and understanding they extended to us made the transition a bit easier. 

I think it was more difficult traveling all the way to Wisconsin with both Mark & I dealing with a nasty stomach bug and then living in an extended-stay hotel room with suitcases and a dog for 3.5 weeks until we figured out where we were supposed to live.

I still miss Pennsylvania and cherish that season of our life, but God called us to a new season, and we are embracing it. I know now, more than ever, that this is where we are supposed to be for however long that may be. I'm so thankful for the beauty that comes out of those refining, life-altering, "messy" moments.

lately

Wow, three months have passed since I wrote about getting ready to move into our new abode. I guess it's been a bit of a whirlwind, but in a good way I think. I did what felt like quite a bit of painting, but it really only turned out to be three rooms. I blame it on two of those rooms needing two coats of primer to cover red and black walls. That, and maybe a terrible case of indecisiveness in one of those rooms. But hey, I have colors decided on for two more rooms and now it's just a matter of ponying up the cash for more paint and actually doing it. Then someday after that I'll get around to decorating. Maybe.

Just a few short weeks ago, we had another life-changing event take place in the Jarrard household; we welcomed a new baby into our family! 

Meet Gidget:

Isn't she a sweetie? She is in real life too. Panda has taken to her very well and they play together often, and sleep together even more. :)
It's awesome knowing she is getting a life outside of the horrors of a puppy mill. If you haven't heard of it or don't know what that entails, I encourage you to look it up. You will never look at pet stores the same!

I don't have my thoughts formed enough to write anything that will make me sound like a sane human being, so off I go to check off the list of "to-do's" that need to happen before company (my parents this weekend, his next) arrives on Friday!

Happy Tuesday!

{almost} home at last

I've been doing a lot of blog reading, but not a lot of blog writing. And it's been two months since I've posted anything. Shameful.

I was getting used to my "routine" if you can really call it that. I started working my "career" job the end of January, and although I don't work a set schedule, I have been getting settled into what for me is routine. I am enjoying the job, although I know I still have so much more to learn!

This past week I got to throw a little wrench (in a great way) into my daily grind. I had the honor of being a bridesmaid in my dear cousin's wedding celebration! That meant a trip to Ohio for the festivities and chance to see family. The wedding was beautiful, the dancing was a blast, & I know my cousin is one happy little lady, which makes me happy. :)

I don't have the photos off of the camera yet, but I have some proof of my overall happiness...especially three little munchkins (aka niece & nephews) I can't get enough of!

And now that I'm home & hubby left literally ten minutes after we got home to get on another airplane for work, I have taken it upon myself to work on the next big event in our lives: moving. Well, more specifically the packing part of the moving process. I'll leave the heavy lifting up to him next weekend. ;) We close on this beaut Tuesday and I'm stoked!

Ok, I don't love the baby blue shutters, but that's an easy fix. The house is great and I'm so excited to get in there and make it ours! This house brings a new and different excitement than that of our first home purchase. This is making our move to Wisconsin feel even more permanent, and it was chosen so that we can grow into it. It's crazy to think that this is the house we will be raising our future babies in! I am excited to decorate, DIY, garden, bake, have people over for dinners, have fires outside and in the fireplace, organize, have girlfriends over for chats & coffee, and for the many more memories that will be made in this space.

back to baking

I've been in the baking mood again lately. For a while I was just too busy working too hard at two jobs with too little pay. Needless to say, I was tired. But now, I finally have a career. For those of you who read & don't know, I am finally employed as a Respiratory Therapist. I'm still busy, & some days plain tired, but I'm finding my groove. Hence, the return to baking. I made sour cream cookies on Sunday, & snickerdoodles & baked potato skins yesterday, but forgot to take pictures. Bummer.

Today, I decided I needed to make bread. So, I tried a new recipe. It's called Roman bread & I love the artisan style. No need for formation perfection here! It's thicker & fluffier than foccacia, but flatter & denser than a regular loaf. There is minced onion kneaded into the dough, & is drizzled with olive oil & sprinkled with dried rosemary prior to going into the oven. Our place smelled heavenly! I think the only thing I'll change for next time is to roll it out a little thinner than the recipe instructs. That aside, I'm going to enjoy this fragrant loaf dipped in olive oil & coarse sea salt.

(Don't mind the ugly baking pan I used :)) 

new beginnings

I started to write a couple weeks ago, but wasn't really feeling it. Maybe because I was sick. Maybe because I haven't felt motivated. Or maybe I didn't feel that there was anything worth sharing. Whatever the case, it's now a new year, which means new beginnings.


We enjoyed 2011. A lot happened. The majority of it good. I can't even really think of anything bad. Toward the end of the year we were moving. It was really difficult saying 'good-bye,' but I wouldn't necessarily call it "bad." Just really difficult and emotional. It also found us trying to sell the house, me trying to get a job, having another nephew born, and celebrating holidays.


Now it's 2012. January has been good.


House officially sold.


Lifestyle change in progress which means choosing to eat healthier & work out more frequently.


Baby shower, ladies' progressive dinner, girls night out.


Hangin' with friends, letting our friendships develop and deepen.


I got a job. Starts with orientation on Monday.


It finally snowed a real snow in Wisconsin. But is already melting thanks to the bipolar weather. Panda still managed to find a clean, undisturbed patch to roll around in this morning.


There are many days I take Panda out and I'm in my pink plaid flannel pj pants. Tucked into my snow boots. At almost noon. And I don't care who sees me. 


I take her out late because we went to bed too late. And I'm just not ready to get out of bed on a day off.


So I may also let her get up on the bed on these mornings so she quits whining at me and goes back to sleep. For purely selfish reasons since I wouldn't allow this otherwise.


Don't judge.


Like I said, January has been good. And full...but not in the too busy sense. 

Life is good. :)