Lingering thoughts

Well, I think it's about time to take another crack at this blogging thing. Even after my last post I was still dealing with grief, although it looked much different than the first few weeks after the miscarriage. I was actually surprised at how easily I could talk about it, and it ended up being very helpful in the healing process. 
It will always be something that stays with me, and through that difficult experience, I hope it has made me a better person. More compassionate, empathetic, and able to truly hear others when they speak. Everyone has a story, something in their lives that not everybody else knows or can relate to. I hope I can be someone that doesn't need to know, but can still be a friend, or even just a kind smile to a stranger. We can't know each person's story, but we can be the one person who shows genuine kindness.

I think some of these thoughts stem from observations I've had when dealing with loss. I've been on the side of giving condolences, and also on the receiving side. It's always difficult finding the right words, even after losing a loved one and knowing what gave you comfort and what made you want to smack someone. I've found it can be especially brutal when dealing with miscarriage, because unless you have experienced it, you don't really "get it." It's much different than dealing with a tangible death, in which you have a body to bury and actually knew the person in real life. I noticed that it's more difficult for people when something doesn't feel real yet, or didn't even know about it (if it wasn't yet common knowledge). So, I guess my point is, if you don't know what to say, whether it's a death of someone you knew well or a baby you didn't know about, just hug the grieving person, say "I'm so sorry," and then be a good friend by being around later when the dust has settled and reality smacks them in the face. Be the kindness and listening ears when they need it, even if you don't really know (or can't relate to) their story.

Blessings

Feeling so blessed today.

I'm thankful:

For the wonderful man I get to call my husband, who loves me, encourages me to grow, and knows how to really have fun and make me laugh.

For the amazing women walking alongside me in this journey of life.

For my family who, although may be far, are so close to my heart.

For my church and church family.

For meeting neighbors. 

For sweet pups playing together in the backyard. 

For half priced frappuccinos and a Starbucks gift card.

For the God that loves me even though I fall short in so many ways.

I am most definitely blessed. 

messy {part 2}

This wasn't actually meant to be part 2, but that's just how life happened since part 1.

It's amazing how attached you become to someone in just a week's time. Someone you can't see, or touch, or feel. Someone you've been waiting for your entire life.

And then scientific evidence informs you that it wasn't meant to be in this life.

We are sad and heartbroken. But, we also have hope. Life is messy sometimes, and we aren't entitled or promised that it will be easy. We have a choice to make, and I am choosing to draw closer to God, to my husband, my family, and our friends who support us and love us and pray for us throughout this life.

God is sovereign, and He loves us.

I will cling to Him and submit to His will.

I will wait for heaven.

*********************************************************************************

I wrote this back in March. I was still hurting and raw. I still feel the hurt sometimes, but it's different now. It's something I can talk about. We didn't tell many people, because we only knew I was pregnant for about a week and a half before my Hcg levels started dropping. I didn't want to rehash everything a million times to everyone when my heart felt so broken. I still question sharing this publicly because I don't want people to feel like they have to say something to make me feel better about the situation. I've also found, that for me, it's easier to talk about something of this magnitude after the most intense pain has subsided.

What surprised me most were the moments the couple weeks following the miscarriage when something would be said, or a worship song was sung, that would knock the wind out of me. It was anguish, the emptiness of my womb, but also a clinging to the constant, merciful, loving God who holds, heals, and comforts.

He has also been teaching me. Not just that I need him, but that I need to submit to him fully. This isn't my story. He is using me to tell his story. I realized I had a choice to make. I could be angry and let that consume me and make me unhappy/bitter, or I could be sad and hurt, but still find joy and hope in the Lord because he is sovereign and loves me. I chose the latter, because I don't even deserve his love, but yet that is what he gives me unconditionally.

messy {part 1}.

Life is messy. 

I've been thinking a lot about this the past couple of weeks. Whether we like it or not, it's going to get messy at times. Maybe not in what some would consider a huge way, but in a way that is still life-altering. 

How do I handle these situations when they arise? Can I grieve and show grace simultaneously? 

The two most recent events of life getting a little messy come to mind, and this is the first:

A little over a year ago Mark and I uprooted our life in Pennsylvania. I was in a strange spot during that time. I had just graduated from college, was in the process of taking the national board exams to become a legit RT, and Mark was being called for potential job opportunities. We were both being open to the idea because we both knew for some time that it was a possibility for our future. So, as this possibility became reality, I knew it'd be difficult and messy. We would have to prep and sell our house in a terrible market, leave dear friends, a youth group we loved, and start over in a new place. 

Being the ones to leave is a strange experience. I admit that, emotionally, I shut down. It was all happening so fast and only our closest friends knew that it might happen. It just didn't seem like it was really happening. I prayed for clarity; that we would know if and where we were supposed to go, and that we would make the right decision. I honestly didn't feel that clarity until after we moved. I literally had to trust God in the unknown and trust my husband's decision.

That being said, one of the most important things I learned was submission. I was learning again how to submit to God, and trust that he would take care of us and provide for us. But I think the more important thing He taught me was true submission in my marriage. From the time we moved, I have been continually learning what it means to be submissive in the most Biblical sense, and it has been incredibly freeing. 

To know that my husband is striving to love me as Christ loves the church is amazing! God has called husbands to the more challenging role laid out in Ephesians 5, so I am learning that it is much easier to respect my husband and submit to his leadership. This does not mean that I don't have an opinion or that he does not include me in decisions. This doesn't mean I don't get to make decisions. This means that I don't have the burden of being the head of our household, because it's not something I want or was called to be. Whew.

To answer the questions I posed above, I think I handled the situation as graciously as I knew how to at the time. It was so hard telling our friends, church, and the kids in our youth group that we were leaving so quickly, but the grace and understanding they extended to us made the transition a bit easier. 

I think it was more difficult traveling all the way to Wisconsin with both Mark & I dealing with a nasty stomach bug and then living in an extended-stay hotel room with suitcases and a dog for 3.5 weeks until we figured out where we were supposed to live.

I still miss Pennsylvania and cherish that season of our life, but God called us to a new season, and we are embracing it. I know now, more than ever, that this is where we are supposed to be for however long that may be. I'm so thankful for the beauty that comes out of those refining, life-altering, "messy" moments.

lately

Wow, three months have passed since I wrote about getting ready to move into our new abode. I guess it's been a bit of a whirlwind, but in a good way I think. I did what felt like quite a bit of painting, but it really only turned out to be three rooms. I blame it on two of those rooms needing two coats of primer to cover red and black walls. That, and maybe a terrible case of indecisiveness in one of those rooms. But hey, I have colors decided on for two more rooms and now it's just a matter of ponying up the cash for more paint and actually doing it. Then someday after that I'll get around to decorating. Maybe.

Just a few short weeks ago, we had another life-changing event take place in the Jarrard household; we welcomed a new baby into our family! 

Meet Gidget:

Isn't she a sweetie? She is in real life too. Panda has taken to her very well and they play together often, and sleep together even more. :)
It's awesome knowing she is getting a life outside of the horrors of a puppy mill. If you haven't heard of it or don't know what that entails, I encourage you to look it up. You will never look at pet stores the same!

I don't have my thoughts formed enough to write anything that will make me sound like a sane human being, so off I go to check off the list of "to-do's" that need to happen before company (my parents this weekend, his next) arrives on Friday!

Happy Tuesday!

{almost} home at last

I've been doing a lot of blog reading, but not a lot of blog writing. And it's been two months since I've posted anything. Shameful.

I was getting used to my "routine" if you can really call it that. I started working my "career" job the end of January, and although I don't work a set schedule, I have been getting settled into what for me is routine. I am enjoying the job, although I know I still have so much more to learn!

This past week I got to throw a little wrench (in a great way) into my daily grind. I had the honor of being a bridesmaid in my dear cousin's wedding celebration! That meant a trip to Ohio for the festivities and chance to see family. The wedding was beautiful, the dancing was a blast, & I know my cousin is one happy little lady, which makes me happy. :)

I don't have the photos off of the camera yet, but I have some proof of my overall happiness...especially three little munchkins (aka niece & nephews) I can't get enough of!

And now that I'm home & hubby left literally ten minutes after we got home to get on another airplane for work, I have taken it upon myself to work on the next big event in our lives: moving. Well, more specifically the packing part of the moving process. I'll leave the heavy lifting up to him next weekend. ;) We close on this beaut Tuesday and I'm stoked!

Ok, I don't love the baby blue shutters, but that's an easy fix. The house is great and I'm so excited to get in there and make it ours! This house brings a new and different excitement than that of our first home purchase. This is making our move to Wisconsin feel even more permanent, and it was chosen so that we can grow into it. It's crazy to think that this is the house we will be raising our future babies in! I am excited to decorate, DIY, garden, bake, have people over for dinners, have fires outside and in the fireplace, organize, have girlfriends over for chats & coffee, and for the many more memories that will be made in this space.

back to baking

I've been in the baking mood again lately. For a while I was just too busy working too hard at two jobs with too little pay. Needless to say, I was tired. But now, I finally have a career. For those of you who read & don't know, I am finally employed as a Respiratory Therapist. I'm still busy, & some days plain tired, but I'm finding my groove. Hence, the return to baking. I made sour cream cookies on Sunday, & snickerdoodles & baked potato skins yesterday, but forgot to take pictures. Bummer.

Today, I decided I needed to make bread. So, I tried a new recipe. It's called Roman bread & I love the artisan style. No need for formation perfection here! It's thicker & fluffier than foccacia, but flatter & denser than a regular loaf. There is minced onion kneaded into the dough, & is drizzled with olive oil & sprinkled with dried rosemary prior to going into the oven. Our place smelled heavenly! I think the only thing I'll change for next time is to roll it out a little thinner than the recipe instructs. That aside, I'm going to enjoy this fragrant loaf dipped in olive oil & coarse sea salt.

(Don't mind the ugly baking pan I used :))