The first 3...

...months, that is.

I keep hearing that time passes so quickly when you have children, and it's true. Well, not time itself, but all the moments within time that happen.

Silas will be 14 weeks old tomorrow, and I'm not sure how the first 3.5 months have come and gone already.

I have learned a lot in these past few months. Becoming a parent is amazing, but it is also life-changing, and sometimes really hard.

Carrying life inside of my body is an incredible feeling. No, not super comfortable those last couple of months, but I loved feeling and seeing him move.

Then, it was time to deliver. I knew it would be hard work, but there was no way to fathom just how hard when I had nothing to compare it to. Although it was a long, tiring labor and delivery, it made me feel like I could do anything. I am amazed by what my body can do! It is exhilarating!

The next two weeks felt kind of like a blur. I was sore, exhausted, hormonal, and now had a newborn to nurse every few hours around the clock. I like to think that the second time around will be different in the sense that I will have time to mentally prepare myself for how I will feel physically and mentally haha.
I think these weeks were the hardest for me. I was so incredibly happy, thankful, and bursting with love for this tiny baby boy that many times I would be crying tears of joy while rocking him. But on the other hand, it also hit me like a ton of bricks that my life was truly altered forever. It wasn't just me and Mark anymore, and I couldn't just do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. I know the extreme tiredness, figuring out breastfeeding, and hormonal changes happening during that time had to do with my emotional roller coaster. Thankfully, things eventually level out haha.

Speaking of breastfeeding, this is also another component that can be difficult. I had so many moments of frustration and feeling like I was failing my child. It's not always as "natural" of a thing as it is often times made out to be. It takes work. A LOT of work. And in the case of me and Silas, we didn't make it as long as I was hoping. There are probably a lot of things I could have done to try and help him get better at nursing, but for my sanity I can't keep dwelling on that. I've made peace with our situation, and am glad that he is healthy and happy.

So, yeah, having a baby and becoming a parent is hard. And I feel like moms need, and should feel free, to be honest with how they are feeling and dealing with all the changes that happen the instant that baby is placed in your arms.

I also can honestly tell you that despite the challenges, there is so much good. Like, a ridiculous amount of good.
I could have never fathomed how much love I would have for this little guy. I already loved him when he was in my womb, but holding him and looking into his eyes has done something entirely different to my heart.
Sweet baby breath. Don't knock it until you experience it. It's the best. I savor every scent, every little noise he makes.
And now he's full on "talking." I love his smiles and coos and laughs. The way he smiles up at me when I pick him up after a nap. Or his happy coos when I sing to him. Melts me every time.
The way he stares into my eyes when I'm feeding him.
Watching him discover new things. First it was his voice, then it was his hands, now this week it's his feet. In the past week or two he's figured out that his hands and fingers open and close and that he can grab at his toys. He's also wanting to sit up more, which really means he tries to launch himself forward when I have him on my lap or propped up on the couch. And then he falls forward or over and it's hilarious. Mostly because he finds it funny.
His little tongue sticking out and him blowing bubbles and making noises with his mouth.
The snuggles. Even though he's getting bigger and wanting to move, he is still a snuggler and I hope he never stops.

The tiredness will never fully go away. There will always be hard moments. But, I also know that we have been given such a sweet blessing, and the good, happy moments will continue to be in the forefront.

Introducing...

...our sweet baby boy!

Ok, so this isn't really news. I started this a month ago and never got it finished. But, for my memory's sake, I still want to write about his birth.

Silas Henry Jarrard made his appearance on Wednesday, February 19th at 4:40 a.m., weighed in at a whopping 8 lbs. 14 oz. and measured 21 inches long.

Backing up a bit, my mom flew out on Feb. 9, which was the day before my due date. Obviously we knew there was a good chance I wouldn't go right on my due date, but we were hopeful it'd be within a few days since I had been slowly progressing over the previous few weeks.
I must say, we had the best time together while she was here! My maternity leave started on my due date, so I was off the whole time she was here. We walked every day at the YMCA or the mall, went shopping, ran errands, went out for lunch a couple times, went to Mocha Moment for coffee & muffins, and just enjoyed being together for a whole week. She also helped me stay caught up on laundry and cleaning which was so helpful!

Well, that whole week went by and no baby! On Monday (41 weeks) I went in for a non-stress test, and the baby was doing great. I was even having some contractions! I saw my OBGYN after the test and we started talking induction. Even though it wasn't the way I wanted to go, we needed to have a plan before I hit 42 weeks. So, she called over to Labor & Delivery and they had a spot open for the very next morning! I was so torn about what to do, but she told me I could schedule it and cancel by the end of the day if I wanted to wait until a little later in the week. So I scheduled it for Tuesday, partly because my doctor would be there (and also was on call Tuesday night), and partly because my parents would be leaving on Thursday. My dad was going to drive in on Tuesday, and he and my mom would be leaving on Thursday. I didn't really want to be having the baby when they were driving back to Ohio! We all thought I'd be back at the hospital on my own Monday night, and I did start having more contractions, but they were mild and not consistently time-able.

Monday night was such a mix of emotions. On one hand, it was exciting to know I'd finally be having this baby and find out if it was a boy or a girl. On the other hand it was that scary moment of realizing I was about to experience birthing a baby for the first time, and that our lives were never going to be the same!

I had to be at the hospital at 7 a.m. to check in, so it was an early morning so that I had enough time to shower and eat a light breakfast.

By 8:00, we were all settled in my L&D room, and the Pitocin was started. Around 8:30 my doctor came in to make sure things were started, and to break my water. From there, times became a blur. Mark could probably remember around what time things were happening; I just remember a general progression. I was able to deal with the contractions for quite a while, but eventually they become more painful, and the Pitocin is set to make you have them every 2-3 minutes. I was only about 3-4 cm dilated at that point and knew I didn't want an epidural yet, but wasn't sure how long I'd make it without any relief. I eventually got a pain medication called Stadol to help take the edge off. It makes you feel drunk at first, but it was so nice to just close my eyes and be able to get a little sleep. I'd wake up just enough to breathe through some of the stronger contractions, but was at least able to rest in between.

By the time I was at 6 cm (however many hours later that was), the pain med had worn off and I was ready for the epidural. I only had 4 more centimeters to go, so it wouldn't take too much longer, right? So, the anesthesiologist got it placed after having to move it twice; the first time was too far to the left, the second time he hit a nerve that put my lower back in excruciating pain. So we were finally in business and I was feeling great! Haha. I could still feel the pressure/tightening in my belly when I was having a contraction, but was having no pain.

I got stuck at 6 cm for quite a while, finally progressed, then got stuck at 8 cm for what felt like forever. This was the hard part because I was feeling the urge to push, but wasn't allowed! By this time I could also feel the contractions more, so I was having to really concentrate on breathing and not letting my body push. At one point they put in an internal sensor to make sure I was having true contractions. I think they were getting nervous that I would go too long and not make any more progress.

Pretty much as soon as I hit 10 cm the nurses really worked to help make it as good of a delivery as possible. I pushed for about 2.5 hours and finally got to find out we had ourselves a son! I got to feel his head (lots of hair!) as he was coming out and it was amazing! And a huge motivator to keep going! He came out crying a good, loud cry, and I just remember feeling so much relief, love, and joy all at the same time.

Mark was so amazing and encouraging throughout the whole process, and I honestly couldn't have made it without him! He seriously talked me through the hardest parts, let me hold/squeeze his hand, and held my head while I pushed.

I am so incredibly grateful that my mom also got to be a part of this experience as well. She doesn't do well with blood and seeing people she loves in pain, so she had stepped out with my dad when it was time for me to start pushing. Thankfully, she ended up talking to someone out in the waiting room that helped change her mind and she came back in. I love that she got to be there with me.

I am also so glad that our friend Jacey offered to take pictures at the last minute, otherwise we wouldn't have any pictures from during the delivery. I am so, so happy we have those photos!

And I am so very happy to have a healthy baby boy that finally decided to grace us with his presence almost 21 hours (and the day after we thought we'd have him) after we started the whole process!