28

We've made it to the third trimester! My appointment with the doctor went well. I've gained 16 pounds so far and am measuring 29 cm which is good. Baby's heartbeat was 142 which has been pretty consistent each visit.

Baby's size: about 2 1/4 pounds, or the size of a large eggplant, and about 13.6-14.8 inches long
Cravings: Salads, sweets, milk
Maternity clothes: same as before, but noticing certain shirts are getting a little shorter in the front haha.
Movement: lots of movement throughout the day, which I love! I love when Mark can feel the baby too. :)
Best moment this week: Having another good appointment, and reading this. I pray I keep this perspective throughout marriage and parenting, and model/teach my children the importance of this type of love.
What I miss: bending over easily lol
What I am looking forward to: hopefully not getting backaches so frequently once this kid is on the outside! ;)

end of the second...

trimester, that is. Can't believe I'm 27 weeks already. Pregnancy is a strange thing in that it goes so slowly and so quickly at the same time. Feels like I've been pregnant forever, but how am so close to having this kid already?!

So, just a few things...

Baby's size: 13.5-14.5 inches or 1.5-2.5 pounds. The comparison was to a rutabaga...which is a type of turnip. I wish I knew how they came up with these things. ;)
Cravings: vegetables and sweets (mostly chocolate)
Maternity clothes: I did break down and buy maternity jeans shortly after my 20 week post. It was the best idea ever. Jeans with a stretchy belly band and no buttons are a win! Otherwise I am able to wear regular shirts if they are long enough, although I do have a few maternity shirts.
Movement: Lots! It really started a couple weeks ago that I was able to feel some movement from the outside, and it's happening more often. It's a weird but amazing feeling!
Best moment this week: Well since I haven't updated for seven weeks, there is more than one. Hearing my doctor say that the ultrasound looked good. When Mark got to feel the baby kick while we were on vacation in Boston. Vacation in Boston! Eating yummy mussels and lobster roll. The morning last week that the baby was moving like crazy for a few hours (I think I ate a turnover for breakfast lol). Finally finishing the paint in the nursery! I'm sure there are more, but that's all I can remember at the moment.
What I miss: Sushi. I've had sushi, but obviously eat the stuff that has cooked seafood. I miss being able to eat whatever kinds I want. It's not a big deal, but that's something I get really hungry for every few weeks.
I also miss bending over easily...and it's only going to get worse!
What I am looking forward to: being in the third trimester next week! Can't believe we are already so close to the end! I also have my 28 week appointment which is always exciting. I feel like they are "milestone markers" in a way.

half

It's official...I've hit the halfway mark! I am 20 weeks today and can hardly believe that this baby is half cooked!

Some things about week 20:

Baby's size: 6.5 inches (10 inches from head to heel), or the size of a banana

Cravings: It's more like, "wow, I can eat almost anything again!" So happy that I have a lot more variety in my diet now. 

Maternity clothes: not yet, but I may have to break down and buy some maternity jeans soon.

Movement: flutters/rolling-type feelings more often. The ultrasound tech said that it may be taking longer to feel more since the placenta is anterior (sitting at the front of my belly) and baby has more to push through. 

Best moment this week: the "big" ultrasound! Even though we didn't find out the sex, it was amazing to see all the limbs, organs, heartbeat, and movement now that baby has grown even more. There was even some thumb sucking going on.

What I miss: Being able to button my jeans. And not having to get up during the night to pee.

What I am looking forward to: my 20 week appointment on Tuesday so I can hear from my OB about the official reading of the ultrasound. Also, getting the nursery done...gotta get on that! 

week 19

I'm almost at the halfway mark, which seems crazy! 

Here's the rundown:

Baby's size: about 6 inches long, or the size of a mango
Cravings: the same as before. Not "cravings" so much as things that I don't have an aversion to.
Maternity clothes: not yet, but I am drawn to anything stretchy/comfy! I'm still able to wear my regular jeans, but have been using an elastic hair tie at the button. Otherwise, it's digging into my stomach when I sit, and the waist feels a little too snug.
Movement: still nothing consistent, but little flutters here and there, and sometimes I'll feel a bit of pressure against an area of my stomach where the baby must be pressing into.
Best moment this week: actually being pretty sure I felt the baby move, and also for a couple of really good days this weekend that I felt really well and could eat more!
What I miss: Enjoying a large variety of foods.
What I am looking forward to: Our ultrasound at the end of the week! I can't wait to see our baby again now that he or she is bigger. 

On pregnancy

I am so incredibly grateful that we have been blessed with this baby growing inside of me. It's still so hard to wrap my head around the fact that something so miraculous is happening within my body.

I still worry (what mom doesn't), but I know it's not up to me.
It was a daily battle for me even before this pregnancy. Would I be able to get pregnant again? Would it take a long time? Would I be someone who has multiple miscarriages like others I had read about? All of these normal thoughts, I think, but I had to learn to not let them consume me.
Only God knows what will happen with this little one from the time he or she came into existence, and only He knows his or her future.

I am grateful for the now. I am grateful for every doctor appointment that lets us know things are okay at this moment. I am grateful for my slowly growing belly that tells me this little one is also growing.

With all that being said; do I love pregnancy? If I am completely honest, the answer is 'no.' Do I love that I'm pregnant? Yes. It's a strange thing, but it's true. I think because I still feel sick a lot is to blame, but I do love that I'm pregnant and that God has given us this amazing blessing.

Week: 17
Baby's size: about 5 inches, or the size of an onion or turnip
Cravings: Fruit, anything sour/tart (green olives, dill pickles, etc.), tomatoes with salt
Maternity Clothes: Not yet, but my jeans are getting a little tighter on my belly.
Movement: Nothing positive yet. I've felt a few quivers that could be, but still too early to tell for sure.
Best moment this week? Hearing baby's heartbeat at my 16 week appointment!
What I miss: Feeling good, energy
What I am looking forward to: Getting the nursery ready :)

Lingering thoughts

Well, I think it's about time to take another crack at this blogging thing. Even after my last post I was still dealing with grief, although it looked much different than the first few weeks after the miscarriage. I was actually surprised at how easily I could talk about it, and it ended up being very helpful in the healing process. 
It will always be something that stays with me, and through that difficult experience, I hope it has made me a better person. More compassionate, empathetic, and able to truly hear others when they speak. Everyone has a story, something in their lives that not everybody else knows or can relate to. I hope I can be someone that doesn't need to know, but can still be a friend, or even just a kind smile to a stranger. We can't know each person's story, but we can be the one person who shows genuine kindness.

I think some of these thoughts stem from observations I've had when dealing with loss. I've been on the side of giving condolences, and also on the receiving side. It's always difficult finding the right words, even after losing a loved one and knowing what gave you comfort and what made you want to smack someone. I've found it can be especially brutal when dealing with miscarriage, because unless you have experienced it, you don't really "get it." It's much different than dealing with a tangible death, in which you have a body to bury and actually knew the person in real life. I noticed that it's more difficult for people when something doesn't feel real yet, or didn't even know about it (if it wasn't yet common knowledge). So, I guess my point is, if you don't know what to say, whether it's a death of someone you knew well or a baby you didn't know about, just hug the grieving person, say "I'm so sorry," and then be a good friend by being around later when the dust has settled and reality smacks them in the face. Be the kindness and listening ears when they need it, even if you don't really know (or can't relate to) their story.

Blessings

Feeling so blessed today.

I'm thankful:

For the wonderful man I get to call my husband, who loves me, encourages me to grow, and knows how to really have fun and make me laugh.

For the amazing women walking alongside me in this journey of life.

For my family who, although may be far, are so close to my heart.

For my church and church family.

For meeting neighbors. 

For sweet pups playing together in the backyard. 

For half priced frappuccinos and a Starbucks gift card.

For the God that loves me even though I fall short in so many ways.

I am most definitely blessed. 

messy {part 2}

This wasn't actually meant to be part 2, but that's just how life happened since part 1.

It's amazing how attached you become to someone in just a week's time. Someone you can't see, or touch, or feel. Someone you've been waiting for your entire life.

And then scientific evidence informs you that it wasn't meant to be in this life.

We are sad and heartbroken. But, we also have hope. Life is messy sometimes, and we aren't entitled or promised that it will be easy. We have a choice to make, and I am choosing to draw closer to God, to my husband, my family, and our friends who support us and love us and pray for us throughout this life.

God is sovereign, and He loves us.

I will cling to Him and submit to His will.

I will wait for heaven.

*********************************************************************************

I wrote this back in March. I was still hurting and raw. I still feel the hurt sometimes, but it's different now. It's something I can talk about. We didn't tell many people, because we only knew I was pregnant for about a week and a half before my Hcg levels started dropping. I didn't want to rehash everything a million times to everyone when my heart felt so broken. I still question sharing this publicly because I don't want people to feel like they have to say something to make me feel better about the situation. I've also found, that for me, it's easier to talk about something of this magnitude after the most intense pain has subsided.

What surprised me most were the moments the couple weeks following the miscarriage when something would be said, or a worship song was sung, that would knock the wind out of me. It was anguish, the emptiness of my womb, but also a clinging to the constant, merciful, loving God who holds, heals, and comforts.

He has also been teaching me. Not just that I need him, but that I need to submit to him fully. This isn't my story. He is using me to tell his story. I realized I had a choice to make. I could be angry and let that consume me and make me unhappy/bitter, or I could be sad and hurt, but still find joy and hope in the Lord because he is sovereign and loves me. I chose the latter, because I don't even deserve his love, but yet that is what he gives me unconditionally.